It’s a no-go zone.

The experience of implementing boundaries and/or stopping people pleasing can be pretty uncomfortable. Of course, anything we are not used to doing or haven’t previously done is going to involve uncomfortable feelings at the times we think about it and take action regarding it. There is no way to avoid this process, it is part of it, but it gets easier and easier, and the beauty of it is how great we feel after we have had our own backs.

It is important to begin with a small step that is only just outside of your comfort zone. If we try to change to much all at once, we are likely to feel overwhelmed and begin to experience a stress or survival response.

So, pick a boundary that feels easy and implement it with someone who might be surprised but probably won’t push back or respond in away that creates conflict. I remember the first time I began identifying and implementing boundaries I did it with my adult daughter. I went to her and said,” I know I have always fed your horses every morning, but truthfully I don’t want to do it, so from next week you will need to get up and feed your own horses in the morning”. I remember the look on her face, and there was a short period of suspension and then she said “ok”.

Now don’t get me wrong since then if she has been away or sick, I have fed her horses in the morning, but she needs to plan ahead and ask me to do that. I no longer act as if it is my responsibility to feed her horses. That’s what we do when we people please, we take responsibility for other people in some way, either for how they might or do feel, or for what they are meant to do etc.

Since then, boundaries have brought us closer together. Because now what we do for each other and the time we choose to spend together comes from a completely different energy. She knows me better now as I show up authentically and not as some version of myself that I think I should be.

I know the word boundary sounds like a barrier, but it’s a gate not a wall, and at any time you can choose to review it, change it, or let it go.

In Equine Assisted Learning (EAL) one of the things we say as a matter of course before clients spend time with the horses is “awareness and boundaries keep you safe, this is true in human relationships as well”. Interestingly it is also true in the relationship with ourself.

As an example, I have a boundary for myself about how I will treat myself if I make a mistake, I do not allow myself to beat myself up anymore. So, if I become aware that those types of thoughts are being offered, I simply remind myself that this is a no-go zone. I then turn my attention to what I can learn and what my next try will look like.

Of course, like many things on paper it seems pretty straight forward, sounds so simple, and it really is, but there is a difference between simple and easy and they do not automatically go together. So, when you have identified a no-go zone for yourself in relationships it means there is no conversation, no debate. So don’t allow yourself to start a conversation with your brain about it, that’s how a whole other layer of misery gets added. Boundaries are not up for debate.

I think I mentioned in my last blog, the resolution might vary but the boundary doesn’t.

Alright my friends, have a great week and for those of you who are on my email list I have a wee surprise offer coming your way in this week’s email.

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