The connection between responsibility and boundaries.

What does responsibility mean to you? And how does it feel when you think your responsible for something?

I used to have a conflicted relationship with responsibility and boundaries.  I grew up having to take responsibility for people and things I was ill equipped to actually take responsibility for.  I was way too young to have had either the competence or the ability to control what was being asked of me. I was also required to respect everyone else’s boundaries within our large whanau but was never allowed to have any for myself.

In saying that as a result of the same experience I preferred to take responsibility than not, because when I was asked to take responsibility, I was also made clear to my siblings that I was in charge, so I gained a false sense of control, and I never learnt the skill of saying “no”. The problem was upon hitting adulthood where people get to decide for themselves whether they listen or not, I would take responsibility for things that were not my responsibility and as a result I would feel out of control, powerless and in my attempt to take charge I would impact the other persons sense of agency or self-efficacy.

I had a very black and white view of responsibility, I either was or I wasn’t.  As I share this with you all, I find myself smiling at the memory, as I remember how unhelpful this way of thinking was, so much easier to see clearly in hindsight.  Thank goodness, I have changed and grown and as is often the case I have come to realise that in nearly all circumstance there are pieces I am solely responsible for, such as self-management, self-awareness, and respecting my own personal boundaries. Then there is the piece where responsibility is shared, such as having a commitment to communication, understanding and compassion, and then there is the other person’s piece where they are solely responsible for their side, so managing themselves, communicating and respecting their own boundaries.  Like most things in life this process is dynamic (always in flow and changing).

I share this with you today because when we take responsibility for people or things that we are not responsible for it creates feelings of helplessness and resentment for everyone involved and it nearly always breaches boundaries, both your own and the other persons.

The way we define, and respect boundaries influences how we identify, perceive, and fulfil our responsibilities.

As we have previously looked at, personal boundaries refer to the limits we set for ourselves in terms of emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. Respecting our own boundaries is our individual responsibility, it requires self-awareness, self-care, and self-management. When we recognise and assert our boundaries, we take responsibility for our own needs and ensure they are met, by doing this we foster a healthy relationship with ourself and with others. We maintain our autonomy and we are more likely to communicate our limits (boundaries) effectively.

Personal boundaries define acceptable limits we have identified for ourselves and acknowledge others will also have for themselves within relationships and in relation to interactions with others. Being mindful and respecting these boundaries is a shared responsibility between individuals.

When we acknowledge and honour the boundaries of others we demonstrate empathy, consideration, and respect. This mutual responsibility creates a foundation for trust, open communication, and healthy dynamics in the relationship. Failing to recognise and respect interpersonal boundaries is what leads to conflict, misunderstanding, and strained connections.

Of course, as with horses, awareness and boundaries keep you safe, but if like me you grew up learning a behaviour that blurred the lines of responsibility and personal boundaries it can be difficult to know where to even begin this work.  As a place to start, each morning when we wake we have an amount of energy available to us to use on that day. This will depend on our current level of commitments, stress etc. The energy available includes physical, mental, and emotional energy and each piece of our day taps into one or more of these areas and uses up some of the energy available. 

Upon waking, decide what you want to spend your energy on for the day, use it wisely and for things that matter to you, consider if there is anything you can do to make a deposit into your energy account.  Identify your limits (boundaries) for the day and considered how you can share or communicate these with others if needed as you move through the day. First and foremost, respect your own limits, at the end of the day you will still feel tired, and you will feel so much better.  No one can care for you like you can!

To summarise, boundaries and responsibility are closely intertwined. Respecting boundaries is a personal and a mutual responsibility that ensures the wellbeing of individuals, fosters healthy relationships, and contributes to the betterment of all concerned. When we recognise and honour boundaries we demonstrate accountability, empathy, and we foster positive and balanced interactions in all aspects of our life.

Alright my friends, as always it is such a pleasure and privilege to be part of your world, have a great week and take care.

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