Boundaries & Values

Last week we discussed how boundaries refer to the limits that we set for ourselves in order to protect our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional well-being. Boundaries can be physical, such as not allowing someone to touch us or invade personal space without our consent. They can also be emotional, such as setting limits on how much emotional energy, time etc we give someone or something without feeling burnt out or overwhelmed. Whatever boundaries we have it is important that we stand by them, so check in with yourself before stating a boundary and check you will really take the action, you are saying you will.

A reminder that boundaries are for us and our limits and behaviour, they are not for controlling other people’s behaviour or threats.  So, they are not “If you don’t put your dishes in the dishwasher, I will throw them in the rubbish” this type of statement is trying to control how another person behaves. It is “would you please put your dishes in the dish washer as I am not going to do it”.  This is a clear statement of your intended action, and the other person still has the choice for their behaviour. 

At that point it is our job to stand by our boundaries and not put the dishes in the dishwasher.  You are likely thinking but if they don’t do it and I don’t do it, what do I do because I don’t want a week’s worth of the other person’s dishes sitting on the bench or in the sink.  This is a choice point, and this is where a lot of boundaries begin to waiver and people find themselves giving in and feeling resentful.  However, this is just another boundary decision, so what do you want to do if the dishes build up?.

There are always multiple options, and this is where our values and context begin to matter. The importance of the value being affected depends on context.  In this context it would be different dependent on whether this is a flatting situation or a relationship situation, and how much this value matters to you in the context. 

For the sake of this conversation let’s say it is a relationship and the value is ‘fairness’ and this really matters to you.  A question to check in with your values importance is to ask, “why is it important to you and how important is it in this circumstance/context”. 

It can be helpful to have a scale rating as it can provide perspective.  So, if it were me in a relationship this value is a ‘5’ on a scale of 1-7, 1 being essential and 7 being it’s no big deal, however, in a flatting situation it would be a ‘1’. Now if for you “fair” rates ‘1’ in a partner relationship you will have a very different boundary response to the one I would have.

I might think, I don’t like it, but it is not worth experiencing conflict in the relationship or leaving the relationship for so I will let it go, and if I want help with the dishes I will wait for a bit of a pile and ask him to help me at that time and see how that works.  If it is a ‘1’ on the scale, the action might be (remembering that boundaries are for us and not to control others), “I am not willing to clean up your dishes and neither am I willing to have dirty dishes sitting on the bench, so I will hire a cleaner to come in daily and do the dishes” and see how that goes.

This is how the conversation goes and unfolds, and we are willing to adjust the resolution but not the boundary.

Having clear boundaries is a key ingredient to maintaining general well-being in all areas of our lives, they ensure we set limits on how much time and energy we spend on certain activities or relationships. E.G. We might limit our exposure to people or situations that drain our energy or bring stress into our lives.

The challenge is boundaries are not always easy to set or maintain, because the context can change their level of importance, but the value itself stays intact. It can be particularly difficult if you are used to pleasing others, because we are usually operating from other people’s values that we learned and took on as our own.

Getting to know yourself and setting boundaries that align with what is important to you is the way we learn how to begin saying ‘no’, gaining self-confidence in one circumstance at a time. To do this we need to know and understand our values and why in partner relationship it is important that our top values match, shared values support less boundary violation.

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