Becoming authentic is easier said than done.

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Good morning how are you? Today I wanted to have a chat with everyone about how it feels quite uncomfortable as we intentionally choose to become more authentically ourselves.

If you were anything like me, and by that I simply mean somewhere between 35 and 70 around that age group, you've had children or you've worked your whole life, you've had a lot of experience in relationships, and you've come from a family where you were taught how to behave but not how to think or how to be your own best friend or to feel your feelings. It was just all about managing your behaviour.

When I was younger, I was brought up in a family along with my siblings with a very contained/constrained idea of what acceptable behaviour was. Now that shifted a little bit depending on whether we were on holiday, or at home, whether we were with a wider family or whanau, or whether we were within our own tight little family group. But at the end of the day, there was a specific way you behaved that was acceptable, that was likable, and was considered okay by our parents. It didn't matter what we were thinking or how we were feeling at all so long as we behaved this way, to ensure we were likable to the outside world as this was proof that our parents were “good parents”.

The problem with that is that there is literally nothing authentic about operating in the world that way.  Not being allowed to be who you are to show how you're feeling or share your thoughts openly and have those seen and heard by others and still be accepted or have them want to be in your company.

I'm not saying this is not a fantastic skill. Of course, when we're out working, when there is an acceptable way to behave in certain situations. But we need to be able to allow ourselves to think and feel within that acceptable behavior tank if say we're at work. Managing our behaviour and how we express our thoughts and feelings is not being inauthentic, it is being considerate.

If you're taught that you have to behave a certain way as a child, then really what's not being said or what you're learning is that who you are how you think, how you feel as an auto response to whatever is happening is not acceptable, is not likeable. Eventually as we get older and we notice this lack of alignment, we have a desire to become more authentically us and to be more honestly and openly who we are, to let people see how we really think and feel about things, even when we manage our behavioural response to those things to be considerate of others.

So, when we start to move towards that, it's actually a really vulnerable, scary place. In fact, I suspect, and certainly during my  own journey, it often leaves me feeling quite insecure because, you know, underneath it all, in the deep subconscious, is that who I am, how I naturally or openly think and feel, when it feels true and aligned and authentic to me, there's this underlying belief from childhood that is not going to be accepted or liked by others.

Then as an exacerbating feature our DNA is designed to rely on other people's acceptance for our survival, like way back, when if we were rejected or isolated, we were less likely to survive. So, it is a really harrowing and uncomfortable, evolution or intentional change to make.

As much as people might want to live more authentically, to show up more authentically, to feel more authentically within themselves when you're trying to do that there is a fear response because inside you have a childhood belief that you are unacceptable because you've inadvertently been taught that who you really are is not acceptable. Wow, that's a challenge, right?

I just wanted to bring that to your attention today because I get that this is difficult and it's not like we decide to become more authentic and voila, this is a process, especially if we choose this process and we want to hold on to the relationships that we currently have because now we've really got something to lose, right?

Up until now in our existing relationships we've shown them what we think is acceptable version of ourselves. Now to start letting our true thoughts and feelings show up and be seen and heard, well, we're risking losing these people that we love very much and care about and want to hold onto but what if they don’t like the true version.

For each of us that fear, insecurity, uncertainty, self-doubt will be felt at varying degrees. You know you might be reading this and be nodding your head because it will feel true for you, for others it could be more like yeah maybe in some parts of my life.

Just know that when you feel insecure, when it feels a bit scary, and you're giving yourself a hard time like thoughts like “for goodness sakes, this is no big deal, just be who you are.” That it is actually not as simple as that, it takes time to change our beliefs, but the first step is always awareness of having them, this is where you figure it out.

You get to in your own way, to figure out how to navigate that journey of becoming more authentically you, really feeling like how you're showing up in the world is a true reflection of who you are, of what matters to you, your values, what you care about and in doing that and navigating that to actually create even more meaningful relationships with the people.

That's really the choice right there, “do I want to show up more authentically” and then it's just about taking a step at a time.

That's what I wanted to share today people. So, if you find the thought of doing this scary and you've been wondering why this is why.

If you'd like to learn more, you can find me at www.pampoole.co.nz Certified Self-Discovery Life Coach. Maybe I’ll see you there have a great week.

Take care, people.

If you would like to chat with me in person just book a free call.