Ass-u-me
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Hello my friends. I was reminded earlier this week during a conversation with my husband how easy it is to fall into the trap of assuming in an unhelpful way. We all do it, it is an essential part of learning process that supports quick associations and categorisation. It allows us to recognise similarities and likenesses. In history it allowed us to recognise possible danger or risk, friend, or foe. It allows us to see patterns and come up with possibilities based on old experiences and possible scenarios.
Assuming is a helpful cognitive tool, but like most tools, as helpful as they can be they don’t fit every scenario. Assuming without consideration for the specifics in context can create havoc.
Back to the conversation with my husband, I have come to the realisation that one of the areas we use assuming in an unhelpful way is in our relationships. I asked my husband if he felt like going out to a local pub for a meal together, he was slow to respond. I said, “If you have to think about it that hard I suspect it is lacking some appeal.” He admitted he didn’t really feel like it.
Of course, I felt a devastated (a bit dramatic) alright disappointed. I had already imagined and played out the whole evening in my head as if he had already said yes.
Then it struck me, I wasn’t even disappointed by his “no” I was feeling disappointed because prior to asking him my imagination had allowed me to experience the romance, pleasure, joy, and fun, so when he said “no” it was like watching your favourite movie and someone coming through and turning the TV off just as it was about to get to the best part.
The thing is before I noticed what was happening, I had been about to go down the road of, “he never wants to spend time with me, I wish he wanted to go out more, retirement will be awful.” I even considered starting an argument, (not really), although the old me definitely would have.
Fortunately, I noticed the strength of my feeling of disappointment and questioned its intensity, it seemed out of proportion to the actual circumstances, it didn’t make sense.
I have learnt over time that this is one of the key signs that I am offering myself unhelpful images or thoughts and know to give myself a little space and time to investigate. Sometimes I can do that there and then, other times I have to put it to one side and look at it later, detailed reflection is one of my favourite coaching tools, either way this is an action that supports the relationship with myself and the other person.
The point I am wanting to make is that our feelings as many as there are, each of those feelings are also experienced in different ways and/or levels of intensity dependent on our thoughts. Balanced, helpful thoughts and beliefs based on facts offer more easily felt feelings, the more intense the feeling the more likely our thoughts are being influenced by unhealthy or unhelpful thinking or that our creative imagination is offering assumptions.
Alright my friends, have a great week. :)
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