The complaint feature.

If you would prefer to listen to the podcast, click here.

Today we are looking at Complaining - helpful or not? What do you think?  But before we do…. I just want to say

Welcome, my name is Pam, I am the founder and CEO of Pam Poole Self-Discovery coaching. My website is www.pampoole.co.nz

I choose to specialise in Self-Discovery coaching for woman, or people socialised as women, because I know how easy it is for woman to lose themselves, to forget what they like and enjoy, who they are, what matters to them, because we are socialised to put others wants and needs first. Unfortunately, this socialisation can result in us living inauthentically.

My own journey has emphasised to me how getting to know ourselves, the past us, the present us and the potential us (who we want to be) is the key, literally the solution to everything we think is wrong with ourselves and our life. 

My hope for this podcast is to encourage you all to get curious about you, what you want, why do you make the decisions you do, what you hope, dream, and plan for the future. I want for you to introduce yourselves to the future you and to show you how Life Coaching and Equine Assisted Wellbeing are two options that are worth considering if you are looking to change yourself and/or your life.

These conversation topics are common human experiences, filters, behaviours and/or challenges offered in a way that I hope encourages consideration for a different perspective, an alternative, more helpful way of thinking about them that you can apply to yourself, others and life, a way that results in generally healthier and more satisfying experiences, relationships, decisions, results etc.

Today as I mentioned earlier, we are talking about Complaining- most people would consider complaining to be “negative”, I personally haven’t really met anyone who enjoys complaining that doing it or listening to it.

The problem is it’s “negative” labelling and viewing it through that lens interferes with our ability to see any value in it, unless we want to relabel it “feedback” ( I think that is the political term), or constructive criticism if it is more personal.  Complaining done with a different attitude or in a more helpful way.

The thing is like most things complaining has two sides to it, there is a helpful and an unhelpful way to use the complaints feature that is part of being human.

Complaining can be about seeking validation or connection, but few of us view it like that.  We just wish it would stop, because particularly woman when we listen to people complain, we feel responsible, helpless, inadequate.  We don’t see that the experience could be a person’s way of sharing and processing their current experience, we just want to help them feel better, because we are taught to be responsible for other people from a young age, particularly people we care about, or family.

The thing is many people who complain are looking for permission and validation, to share their feelings they don’t want to feel better it is part of their process, so if you try and help them feel better you are actually interrupting the healing process.

If you have ever picked up an injured bird and tried to stop it from shivering, it is the same thing.  The bird needs to shiver for its body to process the experience and let go of it, if we stop that process from happening, we can inadvertently stop the healing process and in the case of the bird it can die from shock. 

Personally, I find complaining difficult to be around.  I think because I was brought up to be “stoic”, you know to admire people who don’t complain, who can endure pain or discomfort without complaining or showing their feelings, people who just get on with it and make the most of whatever the situation is.

I was also brought up to believe I was responsible for other people’s experiences, feelings that this meant I cared about them.  So, with beliefs like these it’s not surprising that I would find it hard to listen to complaining. 

I also learnt growing up that if I complained about something, it meant I was ungrateful, of course I know myself well enough now to know that this is not true.  Complaining and ungrateful can occur at the same time, however it is not automatically so, (new belief) despite this knowledge I still find myself reluctant to complain because I was taught to feel shame if I did and at least on a felt sense level the link can still be activated although to a very minor degree in comparison to years ago.

When this happens, it is a quality reminder to me about the importance of this work and how grateful I am to the pioneers in this field.

So, getting back to complaining, I had a lot of beliefs related to complaining that were not helpful. These beliefs supported a more unpleasant experience than I would otherwise have when I was listening to someone complaining, and it stopped me from speaking up and complaining when it would have been appropriate to do so.  

I started looking for more helpful beliefs relating to this and one of these that I found particularly helpful is, “each person is responsible for their own feelings”, so instead of trying to help a person feel better or change their experience, or stop complaining, I simply remind myself “they are sharing their thoughts and feelings because it helps them to do so, I am not required to do anything”.  (No action required)

This made for a much more pleasant experience for both myself and the other person. Finding alternative beliefs, or thoughts about “complaining” is a personal decision, there is no right or wrong, you just need to find ones that support a more helpful and relational experience.

The truth is complaining is at times a required and helpful part of the process of change, we are acknowledging we don’t like something and that we want it to be different. 

Interestingly we all complain everyday about plenty, many of us are unaware of it because it is a sub conscious cognitive pattern or behaviour, we don’t have a problem with it until the complaints (type of thought) are given a voice and are reiterated time and time again often without purpose, (in business we call it being problem focused, rather than solution focus), this type of complaining without purpose from a place of self-pity is unhelpful and unhealthy.

For those who have notice a pattern of complaining, it is helpful to identify the feeling that is driving the action of complaining, keep the complaints factual, as adding emotional, judgemental, or descriptive flavours/words intensifies and overwhelms, and only adds more misery.

For those listening to complaining, it can be helpful to ask the complainee a question, such as, “What are you wanting to achieve by sharing this with me”, however, if you’re in a great mood and listening would impact your good feeling space then ask the person if it is urgent or can wait for another time. 

It is ok to say “no” to listening to complaining if in that moment it is not in your best interest to do so, because your tank is already close to empty.  It is important to always leave a little bit in the tank for ourselves so that we can engage in something that refills the tank.

Remembering your wants and needs are as important as theirs.

I hope this chat has been able to offer an alternative perspective to both allowing yourself to complain if it would be helpful to do so, or to minimise the impact to you if you choose to listen to someone else complaining.

If you would like to know more about this or any other topic my website is www.pampoole.co.nz, I would love for you to go and have a look and book a free no obligation enquiry call so we can chat in person.

Thanks again for listening, I know I say it every week, but I really do appreciate you all. Have a great week and take the time to ask yourself “what do I think about…”, “what is true for me in this moment.”

Bye for now.😊