Rupture and Repair
Recently I experienced a significant rupture in a very close relationship. It took some self-coaching and some coaching from one of my peers to get to a place of feeling compassion and understanding for both me and the other person so I could take action to repair the rupture from a feeling that would support me no matter what the outcome or response from the other person was.
Every relationship has its challenges including the ones we have with our horses. There will just be times when all those involved in the experience or relationship don’t see eye to eye. Now who knows why, it could be that in that moment on the day there is not a want match (that’s a different blog 😊) or one or both of the beings in the relationship are experiencing a different mood, a challenge we are unaware of, it could be that something in the circumstances has triggered an old unresolved experience.
We can learn a lot from horses in relation to rupture repair work, you often observe horses, biting each other to get each other to move, or fighting over hay etc, then return to grazing. They don’t judge themselves for how they think or feel or what they do, they model complete acceptance and forgiveness for themselves, each other and us without expectation or conditions. They don’t take it personally.
Interestingly in our relationship with a horse we never expect our horse to make the first move, we are always willing to just say or feel sorry, and we never expect anything in return, because we know they will forgive us. Imagine what it would be like to take this attitude into our human relationships, including the relationship with ourselves.
Alas, for humans, rupture and conflict are tough, but it is in the repair work that it gets really sticky. Why? Because there is the risk of further hurt or being rejected, or of being blamed. Of course, we want to protect ourselves, that’s a key survival instinct, so to be sorry for the part we played in the experience and possibly get nothing in return, or worse to be judged or criticised feels very unsafe.
So, to support ourselves through the process it helps to be clear about why we want to repair or say sorry. It pays to check in with ourselves to see if we are taking action to try and influence or change how the other person is feeling, trying to make them happy with pacifying or people pleasing etc.
We have to value the relationship more than we want to be right or want to get an apology in return. We have to be willing to consider both ourselves and our needs and put ourselves in the other persons shoes, to treat it like the horse does, that it was just an experience, that it was not him/her that caused anyone to behave a certain way, that each being’s behaviour is driven by how they are feeling.
This is so good to know and understand, because it allows us to not take other people’s behaviour personally, which supports us to let them have their experience and let us have ours rather than judging or defending and adding fuel to the fire so to speak.
I am not suggesting that people or horses get to treat you however they want and that there are no boundaries, I am suggesting that you can be more objective and compassionate for them and yourself when you take responsibility for your behaviour and let them take responsibility for there’s.
With regards to the rupture I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, I wanted to as much as possible heal the rupture and in doing so at minimum ensure that the effect of it was not ongoing. Fortunately all the self-coaching and peer coaching was worth it though because the result was a healing conversation for both of us, it supported both of us being more open, respectful, and truthful with each other.
When you work through this type of challenge in this way as distressing as it felt at the time, once on the other side of it I have noticed just how much easier and more comfortable our communication, interaction and relationship is. It feels great. 😊
Alright my friends, have a great week!
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