Growing Pains

Change is the one constant in all our lives. It doesn’t matter what species or age, whether we want it or not we all change, most of us aren’t even aware of it, we just wake up 10 years later and think “I used to be…”, but fortunately unlike our horses and other species we have a pre frontal cortex that allows us more influence and control over when, what and how that happens if we want to.

The process of change is the same whether we are aware of it or not, whether it’s a small ‘c’ change or a big ‘C’ change, whether we do it intentionally or not. 

We have an experience, we have a thought about it and our current beliefs or thoughts are either strengthened or weakened, if they are weakened, we start to question it and begin creating a new belief. This can take no time at all, or it can take years, it really depends on the person, the trigger, what’s at stake and the moment. 

As an example, most of us know or have heard of a relationship where the two people involved have been bickering and complaining about each other for years, they seem unhappy and are considering getting a divorce, they stayed together for the children. However, before that happens one of them is diagnosed with cancer, (or some other significant event) and in that moment how they think and feel about everything and each other seems to change. They stop bickering and become loving and supportive, fully there for each other and grateful that they have each other, they start doing things together they haven’t done for years.  All the things they were bickering and complaining about before the diagnosis still exist and are still happening, but they are no longer significant, they are no longer noticing or thinking about those things, they are thinking about how they can support and be there for each other and that changed their perspective and experience.

We can look and say the cancer diagnosis changed everything, and it certainly was a change in circumstances, a catalyst but the change in the everyday experience was as a result of the change in the way the two people were thinking, their thoughts about life, each other, what’s important etc.

When we go through big shifts in our lives, like living in another country, getting married, losing a loved one or winning lotto we often find ourselves having an identity crisis, we start thinking about things we have never previously given much thought, there is a lot of unknown and our primitive brain loves to offer scary thoughts/sentences when faced with the new and unknown. 

The term “identity crisis” is often viewed as negative, an unwanted, uncomfortable experience, a time where we are just “not ourselves” people notice we start doing things we used to do when we were younger or trying new things that would surprise people who know us. Most people don’t actively seek it, it is usually triggered by things outside of our control. Yet all it is, is an experience in our lives that activates us questioning what we currently believe or think about what we are doing, why we are doing it, who we are, our life etc all big questions.  This questioning causes “cognitive dissonance” which is the place of uncertainty, the space and place between what we currently think and believe and what we are now considering thinking and believing.

It always passes and we are usually better off for it, more certain than ever of what we believe, who we are etc. When it happens as a result of a life event being a catalyst it is so much more painful than if we intentionally and regularly question what we believed and think, the sentences our brain offers us.

When we intentionally choose what to look at, what to change and what we want to keep, without the trauma or drama of circumstances triggering it, we get to decide our experience and our results.

Alright my friends, have a great week!

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