Relationships & change

 I think one of the most difficult things when we're trying to change and by that, I mean, change the way we see the world or how we think and make decisions or, you know, just any change, is maintaining the relationships with the people who know us as we were.

When we show up differently it changes the dynamics of the relationship. Often the other person in the relationship, depending on their view of the world, their beliefs, how they were brought up and how they feel about change, it's so subjective, will depend on whether they just move with the change of dynamics and the relationship or whether they resist it or want to leave it.

It’s really hard when we're changing not to want other people to change with us, because if they change too, it will be easier for us, but often in our need or want for the other person to change along with us we hold ourselves back.

Trying to maintain that relationship to the point where the pressure on the other person to change is what causes the breakdown of the relationship and not because we've changed, but because we're so busy wanting the other person or people to change with us because we think our lives feel better off for our change, and we want to share that with them.

But some people are happy the way they are. They have no desire to change. So how do we go about maintaining the relationships we want to keep with people who don't want to change, when we want to change.

I think the answer lies in that space in between. The space that is where the relationship crosses over, the sharing of the thoughts and feelings within the relationship and understanding that it can change, without the other person needing to change at all, all we need to do is simply accept the relationship as it is on both sides.

I'm speaking from my own experience of moving through a lot of change in the last five years and navigating the significant relationships that I want to keep in a way that doesn’t require the other person to be different, because I've changed to viewing the world in a different way.

The truth is I can change and let that change the relationship in whatever way that it does, if I still want to hold on to that relationship, then that's up to me to adjust. It's not up to the other person to change. No matter how much I want them to, or no matter how much that comes from a loving space, because I think their life would be better in some way, now, that may or may not be true, but that is not actually for me to decide, it is not my choice.

My choice is, do I want this relationship as it is today? If the answer is yes, that’s ok, if not, that’s ok too. Focus on your own life! Now you might want to revisit that choice tomorrow or the next day or two years from now, is this still the relationship I want? If it is great. If it's not, do I want to change to accommodate that so, I enjoy the relationship more, or I feel better, or is it no longer the relationship I want?

That's for each person in the relationship to decide, because at the end of the day, our relationship with another person or thing or animal, is actually just our thoughts about that person, thing, or animal. It's through those thoughts that we share when we are talking that we experience the relationship as desirable or not.

I know this makes sense to me, so I hope it does to you. This is an experience that I'm having a lot at the moment, and I'm experiencing, emotions that are uncomfortable, because of my thoughts around the relationships.

So, have a look at how you think about the people in your life. Your relationships are your thoughts about the other. It's not the other person, and yes, I'm not saying they don't contribute, of course, when we're in relationship, when we're interacting directly with the person that we're in relationship with, we have thoughts and feelings about that interaction as we move through it. Those might be the thoughts you want to look at.

I think often we blame other people for how we feel, when we're communicating with them, and of course, that's not true, we feel how we feel because of how we're thinking in that moment about that communication, that person etc.

Give that a little more thought, I know I will.

Have a great week, my friends.

Alright my friends, thanks for reading, and have a great week. If you would like to learn more, I would love for you to visit my website www.pampoole.co.nz