Perspective Swapping
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Hello, my friends, thank you for joining me today.
Today we are chatting about “perspective swapping” but before we dive in, for those of you who don’t know me my name is Pam; I am the founder and CEO of Pam Poole Self Discovery coaching.
I am a certified Life Coach and a qualified EPI EAL Practitioner which is Self-Discovery facilitated with horses.
If you would like to find out more about me and what I offer my website www.pampoole.co.nz
Whenever I decide to talk about a specific topic, I like to go look up the variety of meanings it may have, for two reasons so I can become very clear about what it means to me and so I can consider other possibilities.
This is my Perspective of what perspective means – A way of thinking about and understanding something or someone. The lens through which you view something – it is driven by unconscious learned beliefs until we consciously choose to question or decide something else.
To me perspective swapping is simply opening myself up to considering an alternative possibility. So, changing my perspective of the situation, myself, another person.
I chose this topic for our time together today because I have had a couple of experiences recently where while listening to people share their stories regarding conflict on a lack of communication or connection with a significant other it has become clear that the only issue is that neither person is actually listening to understand, they are only listening to be heard to respond, both sides are determined to get their point across, to feel seen and heard without realising that for this to occur they also need to see and hear the other person.
Most of you will have heard this information at some point, this concept is not new, right? Intellectually we get it, unfortunately as humans once we are emotionally activated it is much harder to consider that listening might be more helpful.
I want to share with you a recent article I read from Psychology today-
“Sitting by the edge of the indoor pool on a winter’s day, I swung my feet into the water, feeling the full-on rush of cold water against my feet and ankles. “Boy, is this water cold,” I thought to myself. Not quite ready to plunge in, I dipped my fingers and then hands into the water, surprised to discover the warmth of the water against my skin. “Wait, actually the water feels nice and warm.”
This phenomenon struck me as very curious. My feet, having been in my warm shoes, would have me believe the water was cold. My hands, having been in the cold air, would have me believe the water was warm. The water temperature was the same, it hadn’t changed. But my experience of it, my perception of it, was quite different depending on which part of my body was submerged in the water.
This perceptual illusion can occur not only with one’s physical senses but with one’s thinking and cognitive processes as well. We can experience the same situation very differently, depending on our perspective and the narrative we tell ourselves about a situation. This, in turn, can affect how we feel and how we react.”
I thought it was a really helpful way of painting a picture that allowed that concept of a change of perspective is an internal experience. I know in my own relationship with my husband dependent on what else is happening in my life and what my emotional state is I can struggle to consider that when my husband doesn’t offer to help that this is not about me, he loves me as much as always, he cares how I am feeling etc.
At times when I am able to catch myself and I acknowledge that he has his own internal drama happening, that I have no idea what is happening in his life in that moment or what’s on his mind, that I haven’t asked because in that moment I am more focused on me than him.
Don’t misunderstand me I am not saying I should put him first, people please or care more about him than me, I am suggesting that yes, I matter, what I am thinking and feeling and needing right now is valid, however what he is thinking, feeling, and going through is also valid, so how do we support each other, how do we communicate in a way that allows both of us to be seen and heard.
It starts with perspective swapping, one of the beautiful things about the human brain is that we are actually able to consider, operate and respond from 2 perspectives simultaneously.
Is it possible that the other person has had a bad day, or that what they think “help” means is not what you think “help” means. Is it possible that you both want the same thing but are running on empty. Is it possible that the thoughts and feelings I was already experiencing coming into the conversation or situation is colouring my perspective of it. Do I need to check what I want or need from the communication.
I had a person come to speak to me about a “massive argument” they had just had with their boyfriend and after all was said, felt and done it came down to what a particular word meant.
(This is way more common than you might think)
After our conversation she went back and had a further conversation from a place of wanting to understand and asked him what that word meant to him.
The same word meant something very different to both of them and so while they thought they were talking about the same thing and becoming increasingly upset, they were both actually talking about very different things.
However, upon being open to changing her perspective and getting curious and wanting to understand both for herself and for the sake of the relationship which matters to her, this led to both of them feeling understood, seen, and heard, and allowed them to get to know each other better, becoming much clearer about how each other thinks and feels.
This relationship has only just begun, what a wonderful experience to have happened so early on. This is what a resilient relationship is built on, a willingness to consider the “other’s” perspective.
On being willing to stand in the other persons shoes in that moment, “what might it be like for them listening to us right now” and to consider that in how we move forward.
It only takes one person in the relationship to begin this approach but if you decide to give this ago, the motivation is to help yourself not change the other person.
I want to say that again, when we are genuine & authentic about perspective swapping it comes from a desire to understand the other and to communicate in a way that supports a healthy, loving relationship with yourself, so you can show up in a way you will feel proud of or happy with if you reflect on it later.
The other person may or may not respond in kind, either way it is just information to consider as you move forward.
Regardless of the outcome, this approach ensures the relationship with yourself remains intact, healthy and positive, which is essential as our relationship with ourselves effects all our other relationships.
Alright my friends, if you would like to know more, my website is www.pampoole.co.nz, if you would prefer to chat with me in person you can book a 30min free, no obligation call or join my “friends only” email list and get immediate access to “free friends only” content.
Have a great week, thanks for listening.
Bye for now. 😊
