I recently experienced a very important person in my life choosing to share very negative thoughts with a great deal of emotional intensity. At first I tried to just listen, however I gave into trying to change how they were feeling. I found myself resisting what they were saying and how they were feeling. I was not enjoying hearing it and prior to the discussion I had been feeling in a particularly good mood, I did not want it to change. The conversation that resulted was not what the other person or myself wanted.
Then I tried to rationalised that I had found it difficult because I am so empathetic, that’s true, but empathy doesn’t cause the response that I had, so I had to dig deep and be truly open to reflecting on the moment and what I was thinking and feeling to ensure I could be honest about it.
The thing is, if I had just allowed the moment or situation to be what it was, allowed the person to think and feel whatever they were choosing I probably would have continued to feel pretty good, and could have shown up with more compassion and non judgement. I didn’t though, in my effort to change what was happening my resistance caused my feelings to become less enjoyable and I blamed the situation rather than acknowledging it was actually my response to it that changed my experience.
This is such a human thing to do, so I am not going to give myself a hard time over it, but I did choose to self coach on it so that I could understand what I was really trying to avoid, which wasn’t this other person’s verbal or emotional expression, but my own feelings changing.
I can promise you understanding your own brain is a game changer and my gig, but there are just days where my humanness beats me to the start line. Coaching myself has allowed me to gain the insight and understanding I need so next time I can allow the moment to change whatever it changes, including how I am feeling and result in showing up in a way I choose and not from a default setting learned as a child.
If you resonate with my experience and would like to learn more about why you do what you do contact me for a free 20 minute consultation.
