THE PARADOX

I was having a coaching session the other day and the discussion was about feeling in and out of control.  As we discussed the specific situation it became clear that the person was trying to create the feeling of control with their actions.

Now encase this is the first one of my blogs you have ever read I just want to clarify that this is not how our feelings are created.  The cycle of the human experience is a circumstance triggers a thought which causes a feeling which drives an action which creates a result. When I talk about feelings or emotions in this way I am not talking about sensations, in fact sensations are usually in the circumstance line.

So, to go back to the original issue, which was a person trying to feel in control, to achieve this they would have to be thinking thoughts that caused that feeling or at minimum not thinking thoughts that caused the feeling of out of control.

I am going to try and explain this more clearly.  I will use a person who is feeling a bit anxious about riding a horse they don’t know for the first time.  They try to control the feeling of anxiety with their actions by being in control of the horse.  This might show up as the rider being strong with the hands and inflexible in the contact.  As a result, the horse might resist the contact which triggers a thought, “I hope he doesn’t go any faster he will be hard to stop” which causes the feeling of out of control the very opposite of what the person was trying to create.

The opposite of that is if the person had simply accepted that of course they were feeling a bit anxious and allowed for that feeling, and so it didn’t drive the way they rode they would likely have been softer with their hands, the horse would have been more accepting of the contact and they would have felt more in control because they were thinking about communicating with the horse and riding as opposed to thinking about feeling anxiety.

It is important to note that it is the thought process that led the way to both results, feeling in or out of control.

The paradox is that the harder we try to be in control from a place of action the more out of control we end up feeling and the less we try to be in control via our actions and think about the ride the more in control we feel.

This seems so obvious but honestly despite all my experience as a coach and the understanding I have regarding the human experience and brain this was a real aha moment for both of us.

It was like oh so the difference between me and a really confident rider, is what we think about when we are riding. With this insight in hand, I went out and rode one of my horses in a saddle I had never ridden in before and had one of the best rides ever.

I love this work!

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