Self-care vs Self-indulgence
Self-care and self-indulgence are two different concepts that are often confused especially if we have been taught to people-please.
Most of us who people please have this idea that self-care is somehow self-indulgent. The little things we do for others we do for love but if we consider doing similar things for ourselves we are somehow self-absorb or indulgent.
Imagine how different we might feel if we did as much for ourselves as we did for others, I know right, it seems inconceivable it possibly even feels “wrong” somehow, and yet it is one of the essential ingredients of mental well-being and of stopping “people pleasing”.
I am not suggesting that we never please others or put others wants or needs before our own, but when we do, it is important that it is not at our own expense, that it is not happening out of sense of having “no choice”, or “I should”, because “others come first”, or “others are more important”.
We can if we want to, always consider what another person might want us to do and consciously decide if we actually want to do that, but it is important to check in with ourselves as to why, why we want to or not want to do that. When we like our reason why it becomes easier to have our own back.
Before you do something for someone else, ask yourself are you doing something for someone else because you think what they want is more important, that it is your job to help them regardless of the impact or effect to yourself or because you genuinely want to, because you have the time and energy, or because you want to be part of that experience.
When we decide in this way, we are making a decision from a place of self-care and consideration for everyone involved, and we are then able to give our decision from a place of authenticity and self-confidence, and allow others involved to manage their own feelings about that.
Self-care refers to any activity or practice that promotes spiritual, physical, mental, or emotional well-being. This is very personal to each individual and as such looks different for each of us. It is more than just bubble baths, getting our hair done, or buying a new outfit, these are nice but the benefits to us are very limited and short term, and we tend to use them like some kind of reward for working hard, you don’t have to earn self-care, it is an essential part of living a connected, health life.
When self-care includes things like regular physical exercise or activity, regular engagement in a hobby we love, or other mental, emotional, and physical activities than support self-discovery and growth. Activities that show us that we matter because we invest our money, time, energy and effort into those areas, we listen to our wants and needs and that supports us in way that has long term accumulative positive effects on our life.
As people pleasers we do for others constantly until we are empty because we don’t give ourselves the same love, care and respect, and we end up engaging in self-indulgent behaviours because we feel tired, resentful, bad, unloving etc.
Self-indulgence refers to any activity or practice that allows us to feel immediate pleasure or relief from our current experience, it allows us to avoid self-responsibility, to avoid how we are feeling. It is usually excessive and is done without regard for the consequences. This often looks like overeating or eating excessive amounts of sugar or fat, going on a shopping spree, over drinking alcohol, gambling, feeling sorry for us, yes there is such a thing as indulgent emotions but that’s a different conversation.
Honestly it can be anything that is occurring and has no benefit outside of the moment and we often feel a craving or compelled to do it. Engaging in indulgent behaviours on a regular basis is usually detrimental to our well-being in some way, so overeating leads to weight issues, watching too much tv can lead to poor physical health, gambling leads to financial issues.
I am not saying we should never indulge, but like most things in life if it is occasional and done from a feeling of freedom and self-responsibility and care there is no short- or long-term impact. So, we join family for Christmas lunch, and we might eat more than we normally would or drink more than normal, we could do this from habit, boredom or a sense of connection through sharing a meal with family but there is no long-term negative impact it not a regular behaviour.
When you are unsure if you are being self-indulgent or self-caring here are a few questions that might allow you to get clear about that –
· Is there any long-term benefit to what I am doing?
· If I wasn’t doing this, what would I being doing instead?
· Am I trying to avoid feeling or doing something?
· Would my future self, thank me for this?
Ultimately the main difference between self-care and self-indulgence is that self-care has long term positive impacts on you, your life and those you share your life with, while self-indulgence has a momentary impact of relief from something, a short-lived pleasure hit, offers no benefit to those you share your life with and has no longer term benefit or ripple effect.
