Are your expectations serving you?
A question I ask myself from time to time, is what is my expectation? We all have them, and I am not suggesting we shouldn’t, although to be fair it might help us to be more aware of them and glance over them now and then to check if they are realistic, helpful and within our control, why, because expectations are really only a problem when they are outside of our control, which is usually more often than not.
Expectations that go unseen are just thoughts and rules we learned as children as a result of what our significant others, society, teachers etc. expected of us. I was expected to never disappointment anyone, to be able to make other people happy. I was taught that I was to always meet “other people’s expectations of me” even when I didn’t know what they were, that “I should know what other people expected”. I also learnt to expect that I should be able to control myself at all times so when I feel out of control it is a challenge for me.
I prefer to feel in control, have things go smoothly and as planned for my day. So, when life happens and those plans require adjustment, or I have to make decisions or remake decisions I thought were already made I really have to use my coaching skills to support a response that will serve me and the situation (including anyone else involved in it). I am definitely better in this area than I use to be, but if too many unexpected things happen, I can still end up in a bit of a spin, reacting with resistance, frustration and accusation.
Out of control is a feeling that is often triggered when our expectations either of ourself, others or life are not being met, so those expectations that I grew up learning resulted in quite an unhelpful cycle for me. Coaching has given me the tools and the courage to face my feelings so in relation to the feeling of “out of control”. I started by gaining awareness with the question “what is my expectation”, whenever I noticed myself resisting or becoming unhappy with the experience I was having.
The first part of my awareness allowed me to notice that I was most trigger when, I had no ability to change what was happening in that moment and I was expecting to be able to change it. This was usually accompanied by a feeling of “out of control” and this is a feeling I find particularly challenging. Maybe you can relate?
I always aim to try and practice what I preach so I started reminding myself that this is part of the human experience at times, and in those moments, I tried and still try to appreciate having an opportunity to learn about myself and to practice and uplevel my skills.
What I have found out about myself through experiencing many of these situations and being willing to examine them without criticism or judgement for myself or others is that I lacked confidence in my ability to manage the unexpected. That when unexpected things happen, and there is more than just me to consider and I am not sure what to do, it’s happening quite quickly, I feel out of control and unsafe and react from a place of survival e.g. fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
Becoming aware of this process and experience for me, allowed me to become curious about it and as I got curious, I began to understand how this was learned and how it had helped me as I grew up. Truthfully I had come this far without this changing so I could choose not to do the work and just accept, however, if you have ever heard of the “paradox of change” which if you have been reading my blogs for a while you will have, the act of acceptance which is simply “letting go of all resistance” in of itself is the first act of change.
Just becoming aware and accepting this about myself changed my interaction and experience of the unexpected, because my expectation of myself in these situations had changed. I know, it is mind blowing that it can be that simple but sometimes it really is. I no longer expect myself to be able to control or change the unexpected, I now plan with consideration for the unexpected.
Quite simply I expect, the unexpected to happen and to make things more challenging, so now when it happens it is not so unexpected. (I had a wee chuckle as I wrote this sentence.)
Here’s 4 things I like to practice when I meet the unexpected, if I have time I do it as I go and if not, I do it in reflection.
Practice appreciation: Take time to appreciate this opportunity to build resilience no matter how small. This can help you to cultivate a more positive outlook and appreciate that there is value in everything. Develop strategies to help you cope with difficult times, such as mindfulness meditation, exercise, or talking to a trusted friend, Life Coach or therapist. This can help you to bounce back more quickly from these types of experiences.
Embrace B+: Accept that life is not perfect, and that challenges and setbacks are a normal part of the journey. This can help you to let go of unrealistic expectations and approach life with a more balanced perspective.
Take responsibility for your own experience: Look for the lesson. There is an opportunity to learn in every situation, every interaction so ask yourself “What or where is the lesson in this for me”
Notice the balance: As humans we are quick to notice what we don’t like or don’t have so when things are going well, take time to savour and enjoy the positive experiences. This can help you to build emotional balance and perspective in the day-to-day experience of life.
You might like to try these ideas for yourself in some area of your life. Remember to be compassionate with yourself on the journey we call life. It can help to remind ourselves that life is a combination of positive and negative, wanted/unwanted, helpful/unhelpful experiences, you use whatever term works for you. Recognizing this can help us to approach life with greater balance, perspective, and resilience. So, embrace B+, practice appreciation, look for the learning, and notice the balance - and remember that it's all part of the journey.
