The real me

It is human nature to want to belong, to fit in, in fact it is a basic part of the survival instinct, because to not belong or fit in would likely have meant we were rejected and outcast and that would result in a very short life back in the cave man era.  

Of course in the modern world it is not life threatening to be alone or to not belong, but the “lizard brain” doesn’t know that and it still triggers a drive for any basic survival needs that is in the DNA of the Human species.

Not being authentic, usually begins as children because we adjust our decisions, behaviour, and feelings to fit in or ensure we are accepted initially in our family, as we are literally completely dependent on them for our survival, then later, our peers, our employer, our community, or any other area of our lives that is important to us and provides us with some kind of stability, sense of belonging or safety.

Inauthenticity is a lack of alignment or congruence between our values, thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Even though we usually feel some kind of internal discomfort when we are being inauthentic and have a sense that we are not really being true to ourselves, the discomfort of not being accepted or being rejected is usually stronger.

As we make adjustments over our lifetime to belong or fit in, to be accepted in all the different areas of our lives and in all the different roles we play, such as, daughter, friend, mother, wife etc we can find ourselves losing touch with who we are, what we really think and believe, and what is really important to us.

When a person gets to this place they might say, “I don’t even know myself anymore” or ‘I feel a bit lost” or some other version of this.

At this point we begin to question who we are, or question who “the real” me is.

I think most people might believe that to be authentic we need to share our truth or demonstrate by our behaviour when our views or feelings don’t align with those we are with, that we have to be vocal about our disagreement.

Of course, depending on the context that may indeed be important, to stand up and share your thoughts, feelings, views, or values with others to ensure they understand that you do not share their perception or feelings about something, to be clear about your boundaries.

However, if we choose not to do that, people often make this mean they are being inauthentic, and I don’t think that is true at all.  I believe that there are contexts and circumstances where you are wise to keep your authenticity to yourself and that’s ok.

I believe we are only truly inauthentic when we are unaware and are taking action or making decisions from a place of trying to avoid feeling bad or some other feeling or to avoid disappointing or upsetting another person, or from a place of trying to control another person’s response in some way. For example, a person might be doing something they genuinely don’t want to do, but they are only doing it to avoid the discomfort of saying no.

So, when we become aware of any inauthenticity, the first step is to simply notice it and understand that this is a learned survival response.  Step two is to begin to practice consciously deciding and admitting to yourself when you want to do something simply to please someone else or to avoid something. There is no need to change anything at this point it is just an acknowledgement to ourselves. Step 3 is to get curious about that.  These three steps alone will allow you to begin to get to know yourself which is part of the process to become authentically you.

Being authentically you is not just about knowing and accepting yourself as you are now, the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly which is part of every human being, it is about getting out of autopilot and consciously choosing who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world.   It is in the conscious choices that we make day to day that we show who we really are.

Like many things worth having in life, it is easier said than done, it takes time, resilience, dedication, self-commitment, and it is constantly evolving, it also brings a richness to every part of your life, every experience you have, and every relationship you have that isn’t available without it.

If you can relate you might be interested in having a Free, no obligation, enquiry call about how Self-discovery coaching can help you.