Contribution and over-responsibility.

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Hello, my friends, welcome to today's episode. The context is relationships, and we are looking at Contribution and Over-Responsibility.

My name is Pam Poole I am the founder and CEO of Pam Poole Self Discovery coaching the home of “living your Dream”, “authentically You “and the Horse Wisdom Program, which is self-discovery coaching co facilitated with horses.

My vision is to help you live intentionally and authentically and to do that I first need to share a little knowledge and this podcast is where I do that.

Today’s episode is only number 3, so I am still a beginner, and it is about Contribution and over-responsibility.

Every day we are interacting with others in some way or form, whether they are partners, children, or co-workers.  During the interactions that we are part of we are always responsible for our contribution, and we all contribute, this means we all have a piece of the responsibility pie. We contribute, time, energy, information, sometimes money, skills etc.  Some of us though have a tendency to take responsibility for more than just our own contributions, some people take responsibility for everyone else involved, their feeling, the outcome and all the actions. 

By the time the day is over they have nothing in their tank, they are exhausted, frustrated, stressed and feeling overwhelmed but despite this they will do it all over again at home and then next day.

So, where does responsibility begin and end, how do we know what we are and aren’t responsible for, who gets to decide? These questions and others will be answered in today’s podcast and if you would like more on this you can access a free help sheet by going to my website www.pampoole.co.nz join my “Friends” email list and you will quickly receive an email that gives you access to this and other Podcast related help sheets located in my friends only content.

Ok, let’s get stuck in. “Over-responsibility” is when someone takes on a disproportionate amount of responsibility for tasks, projects, other people, relationships etc.

If you have trouble asking for help, give more than you take, and listen more than you share, look out for the needs of others more than your own, chances are you engage in over-responsibility. Over-responsible people are people-pleasers who prioritize other people over themselves to minimize or avoid conflict, criticism, rejection, disappointment, and loss. 

Now the truth is, we all navigate this way at times, everybody people pleases on occasion, we choose or try to take responsibility for something we are not responsible for. This might be taking responsibility for someone else’s experience or feelings, or perhaps something goes wrong, and we say sorry or assume it is our fault even when it was totally outside of our control.

Have you been shopping and seen two people are on the same track going opposite directions one person changes trajectory and apologises to the other as if somehow it was our fault it happen, some people do this even when it was the other person who moved onto their line.

Now in that simplistic example, like no issues right, it's no big deal, like I don't think any of us need to change that or put any time or effort or energy into changing it.

There is a point where over-responsibility becomes unhelpful and it starts interfering with your health, because overly responsible behaviour leaves us at the mercy of reacting and rushing around to meet other people’s needs and expectations, pushing our own needs and what matters to us aside.  To put others first, to treat them as a higher priority, we treat ourselves like our time and energy don’t matter, like we are less important, we leave nothing in the tank for ourselves, ultimately treating ourselves like we don’t matter and that’s what we teach other people. That’s how we teach other people to treat us.

We also tend to assume that when other people don’t behave the same way, that they don’t care, when in truth they are simply only taking responsibility for what they are actually responsible for, we don’t say anything though, we just take on more responsibility, particularly if it is not clear or obvious as to whose responsibility it is, like household chores.

Now I am not suggesting only take responsibility for something that is quite clearly yours, we can choose to take responsibility for something if it is up for grabs and we want to, but we don’t have to just because we have been asked to.

Usually the reason we behave this way is a fear that if we need or ask for anything we will be rejected or that other people will think less of us, that used to be a biggie for me, another more common cause is not having essential needs met as children, when these core needs go unmet it alters how we see ourselves, and we feel like we are unimportant or simply don’t matter, we rush around helping others to try and feel like we matter, to try and make ourselves wanted or needed.

Of course, it’s exhausting, and once we have learned this behaviour it is not limited to one aspect of our life, we are likely to navigate this way in all areas of our life, our work, home, friendships etc. It is difficult to stop, because it works in other people’s favour, it also leads to a lack of boundaries that can leave us feeling used, abuse or maybe even disrespected, despite the fact that we have by our own behaviour taught others to treat us this way.

How do we begin to interrupt and change this way of being. First, we acknowledge we do it, awareness is always the first step in change. Then we accept it for what it is, a learned behaviour that, it is nor who we are. We begin to notice and observe who, when and why we engage in it. 

One situation at a time we check for what we actually have any control over and what our contribution to a situation or circumstance is, and we start to consider setting boundaries for ourselves to manage, interrupt and over time change this behaviour to taking responsibility for our contribution or when we intentionally choose to take it because we can because we have some control over an ability to do so.

So, there's never any point for example in taking responsibility for the weather there's simply nothing you can do about it you have no control over it whatsoever. and that's the truth for other people's feelings or their experience of life, or their decisions etc.

A great question to ask yourself, is what is my contribution? what is my part of the responsibility pie?

When you feel unsure ask yourself “what part of this do I actually have any control over?” there is no point in taking responsibility for anything you have no control over, spoiler alert, we usually have very little control over anything, other than ourselves and we never have control other people.

You might be thinking so what about when I come home from work tired and I still have tea to cook, why is it my responsibility? This is one of those responsibilities that you get to own, share, or reject. You get to decide if you are responsible for doing that or not. 

You might then ask, but I do it even though don’t want to do, so does that mean I am people pleasing or being over-responsible. Not necessarily, you know when you are engaging in people pleasing or in being over-responsible because of how your feeling and the type of thoughts you will be having.

So, if you are feeling tired, happy to be home and you choose to cook tea anyway, and your thoughts are along the lines of, we can all sit and eat together and catch up, then no you are simply choosing.  If, however, you feel frustrated, annoyed, or resentful and your thinking thoughts like “I’d better do it, no one else will do it, it’s not worth the hassle, I can’t be bothered asking, it’s just easier if I do it, and as mentioned earlier in this podcast doing it allows you to avoid conflict, disappointment etc then you can confidently know you are engaging in people pleasing or being over-responsible.

Alright my friends if you want the info sheets related to this podcast remember my website, join the “Friends” email list and you will quickly receive an email with a link in it that will give you access to that resource and other information you will likely find helpful.

I look forward to talking to you all next week, in the meantime Live your dream and Love your life. :)